Therapy

Yeah, I said it. Therapy. As in, Psychiatrist, Therapist, all that lovely stuff.

I've decided to look into it.

See I've been dealing with a lot lately. Stress mostly, a bit of depression, ups, downs and all-arounds. Ranging from work, family, to my boyfriend; just ... life in general. Why? I don't know. Ahem, that's why I'm going to seek therapy, you see...

Why don't people understand that? I don't know why I'm depressed, I don't know why I've been acting different. I can't explain it... so please stop trying to get a reason out of me. Let me be. I know it's hard.

I am normally very happy-go-lucky, I guess [except in the morning... haha] and I normally deal with stress extremely well. Too well, I think. Maybe it has all built up inside and I am getting ready to explode. Or implode. Who knows. Maybe I'm just not the person I thought I was. Maybe I'm changing. Maybe I'm just having a "funk".

Well I don't know about any of that but I do know, that this happens more than I like. Most of the time it just affects my relationships. Rarely does it affect the rest of my life. Either way, it's not good and I want it to stop.

Sometimes I wonder what I am really supposed to be doing in life. I've said this before, but being depressed and stressed out makes me wonder more. It also makes me wonder what I really want from life. Do I want to live a long life, get married again and have a "successful" career [according to standards provided from those 'above' us]; do I want to live the "American Dream"? Or, do I want to live my dream. Wait.... what is my dream?

I guess you could say that my dream is to help people. I like helping people. I like to volunteer and see my actions improve someone's life. So why can't I improve mine? What's wrong with this picture? Oh and wtf is up with me ending up hurting the people I love? Oh it happens.... all to often. I have hurt too many people and it kills me. How can I help people if I can't even stop hurting the people closest to me?

My heart is full of wishes, my mind is full of hope. I just can't seem to get them all straightened out...