Dad

So, my brother recently got married [10/30 to be exact] and a big congratulations to the new Mr and Mrs. I am so happy for them.

Anyway, my new sister-in-law was inquiring about my father a little bit. Which is completely understandable, I mean.... well, you'll see.

My father is hard to explain, and it sounds crazy to explain it to others. Everyone in my family agrees, when we think about it and try to explain it to others... we literally feel crazy and ask ourselves... "Are we just making this up?" Well it's hard to believe... but we are not. My older brother, who just got married, is only my half brother and my father didn't treat him all that great when he was younger. I'll spare my siblings stories... they should really be the ones to describe their feelings anyway. What I will say, is we all strive to be accepted, we all strive for my fathers approval. Do we want to? Absolutely not. The need is still there though... we all want that father who loves and appreciates and is proud of his children. Sometimes he will say these things to us. Sometimes he will tell us he loves us, and a lot of the times he is more than willing to help us out if we need it [especially me] and he will tell us he is proud of us. These occasions, though, don't happen as often as they should. Most of mine and my siblings encounters with my father are kind of a "duck in" and "duck out" and try not to be seen in the process. If we are, it's a quick, "Hi dad, nothing new here..." conversation. But when you get caught, you don't skip out without a bitch or two in there.

My father is famous for the bitching. You ask any of his peers from work and whatnot, though, or people who see him in passing... he's such a great guy! Talks wonderfully about his family, works hard, honest man, blah, blah, blah. There are the co-workers and friends that know him for his true colors [one specific friend of his/mine comes to mind who I've seen laying in the grass of the front yard, crying, because of my father]. Why they are still friends with him? I could not even begin to comprehend. He bitches about everything and anything. He will literally MAKE UP something to bitch about. I've been told many things that were lies, just so he had something to complain about. Once I was told that my brother stole money from my mother... just so my father could complain about him. Seriously? That's a little low don't you think? I know for A FACT that none of my siblings NONE would EVER do anything like that to my mother. If they were that type of person... they wouldn't be considered my sibling anymore.

It is difficult to put my thoughts into words about my father. Usually when I begin to think about the things my father has done, and the way my father acts, etc. I become very, very angry; enraged actually. So I'm easing into this post as slow as I can handle. So for now, I will leave you with the little insight I've provided on my father, and will continue this post another time....

Well here I am again. Musing over a lot of things, but in passing thought I could add some insight on my father.

So, you know about the bitching... now the drinking. Now my dad is normally an okay guy to get a long with when he is sober, but he definitely gets nasty when he is sober. When he drinks... it's a million times worse. One of two things will happen when my father drinks... either, 1. he will have a great time the entire night and at the end of the night he will cry over anything and everything he can or 2. he will have an okay night, get a little aggravated or upset over some things throughout the night... and at the end of the night get nasty... very nasty. Nasty to the point he is complaining, insulting, loud, and violent [verbally mostly, and sometimes to inanimate objects, but sometimes physically to his family]. Either way, when there's a beer in his hand... you know you are in for a rough night.

Either way, sober or not, my dad is not a pleasant man to be around. Not for his family at least. His family is usually shit and can do nothing wrong. My mother hides in her computer game and attempts to not be seen or heard by him. He wonders why... he wonders why his children hate him, and he wonders why his wife ignores him and could care less about things he asks of her. Unfortunately.... this makes everything worse. Instead of thinking "Oh, maybe I'm an ass hole and should change." He thinks he is the greatest person ever and everyone else is in the wrong. We have absolutely no reason, or right, to dislike [let alone hate] my father. We should worship him. He is the greatest you know....

So, the reason my sister in-law was inquiring about my father, is because every weekend my father has my half-brother at his house, busting his ass helping him out. This would get on my nerves too. And she doesn't understand why my brother just doesn't say no. Well, none of us do. When my father says "Jump." we don't even say "How high?"; we just do it. Well, what if we don't? Hmm... that's a good question. Well, if I were to not do something my father asked, I would go from my normal nicknames of lazy, fatass, dumbass, bitch, to something much more... more along the lines of worthless cunt. My apologies for the language, but it's the only way for you to understand. So, what's wrong with a little name calling? Yeah it sucks but you gotta live your life right? I guess. But it doesn't end with the name calling. My father is verbally abusive, and everything past the name calling [well including the name calling] causes some severe emotional damage. It's much easier for us to say "Yes dad." and do what he asks, then to deal with what damage he is capable of. I'm sure there are people out there who understand this; but it is difficult to understand it when you don't live it. We're scared. I'm not ashamed to say it... I am afraid of my father and his words, his actions. Oh and to set aside the abuse we receive... my mother hears constant bitching, why add more to it by not doing something for him? It's a shame. We've tried getting away, we've tried saying no, and it makes my mothers life worse. I love my mother, we all do, she is amazing and I would do ANYTHING for her. I don't want to make her life worse. She's scared too.

Well, that's my dad. Believe it or not, understand or not. That's him.